Scraps
by Spun
Summary: A collection of crackfics. Mostly Magnus/Alec. 1: Magnus and Alec have a ridiculous fight, followed by awesome make-up sex. 2. Spun creeps all over four perturbed characters. 3. Magnus introduces Alec to tumblr. And to trolling.
1. The Elephant That Wasn't Shoes

**Scraps**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothin'.

**Warnings:** Pure, unadulterated crack.

**Notes:** ...I don't even know, guys. This is where I'll be posting the crackfics that I write on tumblr, so that the world may enjoy them. Or wonder what the hell kind of drugs I'm doing. Whatever.

This fic was a response to someone's tumblr icon. It was an elephant in a top hat, but a bunch of people thought it was a pair of shoes.

* * *

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Hello to you too," Alec said, twisting his fork around and around in the bowl until he'd taken up a good third of the noodles, which he then stuck into his mouth.

"I'm just saying, usually when you take off to bang Sparkles, we don't see you for a week, and you walk funny when you come home." Jace opened the fridge and stuck his head inside - and then recoiled and slammed the door shut, looking revolted. "Good Lord, I don't know what Izzy made for dinner, but it's breeding in there."

Rather than react to any of Jace's uncouth statements (which would just encourage him to make more), Alec said, "There are more noodles on the stove." He scooped up another gargantuan mouthful, but instead of eating it, dropped them all back into the broth. "I kind of pissed Magnus off, I think."

"Bad blowjob?"

"Fuck you."

"That's my girlfriend's job." Jace grinned at him and went rummaging through the cabinets for a bowl. "What'd you do?"

Alec chewed thoughtfully on his lower lip, trying to think of a way to explain that wouldn't make the whole situation sound thoroughly moronic… which was difficult when it had, in fact, been thoroughly moronic. "He bought this picture," he said. "I don't know where. But he really liked it, so he put it up in his bedroom, and he asked me if I liked it… wait, hold on a second." He dug his phone out of his jeans and pulled up his pictures. "Here, I got a photo of it." Jace sat down and Alec slid the phone across the counter. "Tell me what you think it is."

Jace took a look and frowned. "Uh… good question. It looks like a pair of shoes, I think."

"That's what I said!" Alec took his phone back, snapped it shut, and slid it back into his pocket. "And he got _really_ mad at me - apparently it's an elephant wearing a top hat. I told him it still looked like a pair of shoes and he told me to go away and not come back until I learned some respect, whatever the hell that means. So I left, and here I am."

"That's the sort of thing you two argue about?" Jace said incredulously.

"All the time."

"Weird," Jace muttered. He slurped up a few noodles and then added, "Although I do that to Clary all the time. She draws something and I tell her it's an anteater eating a grapefruit and it's actually supposed to be a bicycle."

"And you're calling us weird?" Alec said. "Anyway, it's no big deal. He'll get over it by tomorrow and I'll go back." He got up and put his bowl in the sink, and only as he was leaving the room did he remember Jace's earlier remark about their more intimate activities. "And then we'll probably have amazing make-up sex, so it'll all be worth it in the end, and I'm not going to be the one walking funny."

"_There's_ a mental image I didn't need," Jace said. "Ever." He looked at his half-eaten bowl of noodles, made a face, and got up to toss them out.

Alec laughed at him and walked out of the kitchen.

Five minutes later, he got a text message: **It wasn't a pair of shoes. It was an elephant in a top hat. Now get your gorgeous self back over here so that I may do scandalous things to it.**

* * *

"You know, you were right," Magnus said languidly, "it _does_ look like a pair of shoes."

"Mhm." Alec didn't presently possess the higher brain function to come up with anything more intelligent-sounding. He locked his fingers together, stretched his arms out over the edge of the mattress, rolled his shoulders, and slumped down onto the pillow with a sigh.

"But when I told the girl at the register that, she looked at me like I was an idiot and told me it was an elephant in a top hat. I had to stare at it for a few minutes before I could see it."

Alec's mind kicked into high gear. "Wait, what?" He propped himself up on his elbows, ignoring the sharp ache that arced up his spine (he'd been lying when he told Jace that Magnus would be the one walking awkwardly after tonight), and frowned down at his boyfriend. "You _knew_ it looked like shoes and you still got mad at me for saying so?"

"I wasn't serious," Magnus defended himself. "I didn't think you'd actually walk out. And, well, after that, I figured the sex would probably make up for the inconvenience of traveling on the subway twice in one night."

Alec would have smacked him with his pillow if he wasn't one-hundred-percent certain that Magnus would just steal it. "_Inconvenience_? I get _horribly_ motion sick. Do you _know_ what it's like to throw up on a crowded subway train?"

"Yes."

With an annoyed huff, Alec flopped onto his stomach and scowled at the window. Beyond the glass, the Manhattan skyline looked quite unmoved by Alec's righteous irritation. "I hate you," he mumbled into the pillow. "All that over an elephant that isn't shoes."

Magnus rolled over and wound an arm around Alec's back. His fingers wandered up and down the Shadowhunter's side, dipping in and out of the slight hollows between his ribs, finally coming to rest on his bare hip. "You love me and you know it." He brushed his lips along the curve of Alec's ear, gently bit his earlobe. "Besides, tell me that wasn't worth it."

Alec considered this. He was sweaty, sticky, tired, sore, and probably bruised in odd places. His muscles were Jell-o. And Magnus was nuzzling his neck.

"Fine. Worth it."

* * *

I'd ask you to review, but you're all probably sitting there going "...wtf?", so do as you like. xD


	2. A Foursome

**Scraps**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothin'.

**Warnings:** Pure, unadulterated crack.

**Notes:** This was a dare. Pairing: Magnus/Alec/Jace/Jem. Oh yeah, I went there.

* * *

"Why the _fuck_ am I suddenly gay?" Jace exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" Magnus asked, raising a delicate eyebrow.

Fuming, Jace picked up a pillow and punched it a few times as if he wished it was Magnus's head. "Why. The fuck. Am. I. Gay? I have a girlfriend, damnit! And she's hotter - and better in bed - than all of you put together!"

"Oh, that's nice," Alec muttered.

Dismissing the insult as Jace's usual ranting and raving, Magnus stretched out his long, tan, very bare legs, planting his feet in Alec's lap. "It's not your fault," he said soothingly. "It's _hers_."

As one, they looked to the corner of the room. There, folded into a desk chair that was just a bit too small for her, was a dumpy, bespectacled girl with tousled brown hair and a laptop. The computer was currently closed and set to the side, and in her lap was a tub of popcorn, which she dipped into between devilish giggles.

"I wish she'd go away," Alec said. "The way she stares at us is just… _creepy_."

"Creepy?" Jace flung the pillow aside. "We just had a fucking _orgy_! I respect _your_ right to want to be in a pile of heaving, sweaty man-flesh, but I want Clary and _only Clary_!"

Alec looked like he didn't know whether to be offended or revolted. Magnus quietly whistled a jaunty tune.

"Um," Jem piped up from where he'd curled himself into the corner furthest from the girl, "can anyone tell me how I got here?"

"Dance, puppets, dance!" the girl cackled.

* * *

:D


	3. tumblr

**Scraps**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothin'.

**Warnings:** Pure, unadulterated crack.

**Notes:** Exactly what it says on the tin. Magnus would be a great troll.

Some background info, so the ending makes sense - over on tumblr, there are a bunch of MI character blogs collectively referred to as the 'notes from' blogs. At one point, notesfrommagnusbane implied that notesfromaleclightwood got off on not being able to breathe. It went downhill from there and now it's a thing, even if he vehemently denies it. That, my friends, is where the asphyxiation kink came from. xD

* * *

"I thought you were going to bed."

"I _am_ going to bed."

"You said that an hour and a half ago. It's one-thirty."

"Is it?" Magnus glanced at the clock in the corner of the screen. "Oh. So it is. Sorry, love, I got a bit… preoccupied. I'll only be a few minutes."

"That's what you said at midnight," Alec muttered. "What are you doing that's so consuming, anyway?" He slouched into the room and draped his arms over Magnus's shoulders, resting their heads together. His hair was ruffled, sticking up in odd directions, and he was very warm against the warlock's skin, having just spent the last hour and a half burrowed under four blankets like Magnus didn't keep the apartment at a comfortable seventy degrees. "Tum-blr," he read off the screen, stretching out the 'R' for far longer than was necessary.

"Most people pronounce it like 'tumbler'."

"Well, it doesn't have an 'E'," Alec pointed out. "So there. What is it?"

"It's…" Magnus hesitated, for once at a loss for words. How, exactly, did one explain tumblr? "Hm. Hold on, I'll show you. Have a seat."

"There isn't one. You're sitting in it."

Magnus promptly detangled himself from Alec's arms, swiveled the seat around, pulled Alec down into his lap, and turned them back to the laptop. "There you go," he said.

"Thanks, I needed my daily dose of manhandling," Alec said dryly. "What are you supposed to be showing me, now?"

"Tumblr," Magnus explained, "is the godly empire of the internet."

"That's… nice."

"Shut up, I'm not done." The warlock settled back into the chair, making himself as comfortable as he could get with one hundred and forty-nine pounds of Shadowhunter precariously balanced near sensitive appendages. "Tumblr is for three things - not counting time-wasting. One, social networking." He scrolled down a bit until a post made by a witch in Canada was centered on the screen. "That's Larissa. I've been meaning to talk to her for ages and I finally found her tumblr this morning."

"Is this going to be long? Should I get a blanket and a pillow?"

"Hush," Magnus said. Alec mumbled something about it being almost two in the morning. "I'm making it quick. Two, it's for fandom." He scrolled down again, and suddenly the screen was splashed with images from _Glee_ - a show Magnus found quite entertaining, and one Alec would probably be less bored with if he understood any of the pop culture references. "And, finally, it's for pictures of cats." He clicked on another image, expanding a photo of Chairman Meow curled up inside the microwave, happy as a clam.

"So you see that your cat got into the microwave," Alec said, "and instead of getting him out before he fries himself, you take a picture?"

"How would he turn on the microwave?"

"That's not the point."

"So that's tumblr in a nutshell," Magnus said, choosing not to pursue that topic of conversation any further. "It's addicting."

Alec yawned - unintentionally, but conveniently - and dropped his head onto Magnus's shoulder. "It sounds ridiculous. Have you really been sitting here for two hours looking at cats?"

"Oh, go read _Jane Eyre_ or something and leave me to my mindless entertainment."

Alec snorted and stood up, ruffling his fingers through his hair. "I'm going back to bed. Are you coming or not?"

"In a moment," Magnus promised, bringing up another window. "There's just one thing I want to finish first."

Alec leaned forward to look at the screen again. "Barack Obama… isn't that the President?"

"Yep. He has a tumblr now. I knew there was a reason I liked him so much. As soon as I found out he had an askbox I KNEW I had to ask him something… I had a hard time deciding what, but I think I'm going with my most pressing question." With an entirely unnecessary flourish, he pressed control-v and inserted his question into the box.

_I know this may be a bit forward of me, but I'm terribly curious – has Vice President Biden ever hidden under the desk in the Oval Office and given you a blowjob while you held an important meeting?_

"_MAGNUS_!"

"What?" Magnus said innocently.

"You - you can't ask him _that_!" Alec insisted, gesturing somewhat wildly at the screen.

"Why not? I'm curious. And the man has a brilliant sense of humor, so I'm sure he won't take it too badly."

"But - but -" Alec opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking like a fish out of water, then shook his head. "I can't _believe_ - no, wait, I can."

"Good." Magnus clicked on 'ask'. "As it turns out, the fourth vital function of tumblr is trolling influential political figures."

Shaking his head, Alec ran his hands through his hair again. "I'm going to bed," he said, with the finality of someone who just couldn't take anymore insanity. "I don't care what you do. I'm going to bed. If the Secret Service comes here and arrests you, I'm not bailing you out of jail. Good night." And with that, he walked out of the room. Moments later, Magnus heard the bedroom door close.

Well, he couldn't have that, so he shut down his computer and made his way to bed, where Alec had again cocooned himself under every blanket he could scrounge up. Magnus plopped down on the mattress and poked what he assumed was the Shadowhunter's shoulder. "Are you still awake?"

No response. Magnus stretched out, folded his arms behind his head, and closed his eyes, a faint smile on his lips.

A few minutes later, a very quiet voice drifted out from the mountain of covers. "You like him a lot, don't you?"

"Who, the President? He's not the best one we've ever had, but I suppose he's doing well enough, given what he had to work with. I'd vote for him if the government knew I existed."

There was silence for another minute or so. Then - "I bet you think about him when you're sleeping with me."

Magnus's eyes opened. "_What_?"

"And you imagine he talks about the global economy and wars and public policy," Alec continued, "and that _gets you off_."

For the second time that night, Magnus found himself at a loss for words. "…you aren't serious, are you?" he finally asked.

"We'll see," Alec muttered.

Magnus rolled over and draped an arm across the blankets. "You know, that could be a very interesting role-play," he pondered. "You could be the President, and I could be the Vice President…"

"_No_," Alec said immediately.

"Don't be a spoilsport, it'd be fun."

"_No_."

"Please?"

"_No_."

"You could wear a tie. And I could tighten it… and tighten it… and tighten it…"

Alec flung the covers away from his face and turned to glare at him. "_No_," he repeated. "_No_, because I can _not_ keep explaining to my mother why I have bruises all around my neck. She won't fall for the 'angry demon catching me off guard' excuse again. _No_."

"All right, all right," Magnus conceded. He did file the idea away in his brain, though, to be brought up at a later date - maybe when Alec wouldn't have to see his family for a while.

Alec had curled into the blankets again. Magnus molded himself against his back and shut his eyes, slowly drifting off.

"…maybe," Alec murmured suddenly. "Maybe. If you actually give me a blowjob under the desk."

Magnus grinned into Alec's hair. "Will do."

* * *

That's all for now, folks - please do review! :]


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